EUPHORIC RECALL CAN BE DIFFICULT DURING HOLIDAYS

Holidays like Memorial Day can be a precarious time for a recovering drug addict.

The disease of addiction is a cunning, baffling thing.  It tries to convince us we don't have a disease.  And one way it does that is through what's known as euphoric recall.

Euphoric recall is when a recovering addict gets lost in the remembrance of past addictive behavior, recalling that behavior as ecstatic rather than insane.  In euphoric recall, we fail to remember the massively negative consequences of our behavior, which have brought us to recovery.

Personally, I feel like the human mind is hard-wired to forget the pain associated with traumatic experiences.  At the same time, pleasurable memories and emotions are much easier to recall.  For example, I remember my first car wreck ...  the first time I needed stitches ...  the first time someone close to me died ...  but I don't really remember what it felt like.  I simply remember it as an event.

But when it comes to pleasant memories, I remember the good feelings, the warmth and ecstacy and everything else associated with getting my first paycheck, or kissing a girl, or watching the sun come up over the ocean for the first time.

Holidays like Memorial Day can trigger that euphoric recall for some addicts, especially those in early recovery.  When a holiday comes around where, in the past, we've always celebrated with drunken, drugged-out revelry, we can feel a little melancholy.  It can leave us feeling depressed, like our lives are boring or we're missing the fun we used to have.

We remember the good times -- the weekends at the lake, drinking beer and grilling out, or getting stoned at a great concert at dusk.  What we conveniently forget is that because we're addicts, we're remembering those times through a misleading filter.

We conveniently forget about getting so drunk that we knocked over the grill, ruined everyone's dinner, puked on our feet and fell into the lake.  We forget how security had to escort us out of the concert, kicking and screaming, or how we blacked out halfway through the show and can't remember a single song that was performed.

Today, I recognize euphoric recall as a danger sign.  That's why recovery teaches me to "play the tape all the way through" -- in other words, don't just focus on the good times; carry that memory through to the end, where I usually ended up broke, desperate, miserable and wanting to die.

Because the "good times" associated with drugs are gone.  I can never do one of anything, so if I'm tempted to have a beer over this holiday or any other, all I have to do is remember how out of control my life gets after I pick up the first one.

Today, I don't have to get drunk or high to have a good time.  I don't need chemicals to alter my mood.  I don't want to feel different today just to enjoy myself -- because recovery has shown me how to be comfortable exactly as I am, wherever I am, no matter the day of the year.  And for that, I'm grateful.